if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
