I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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