I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
