and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
