i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
