Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
