I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
