i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
