wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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