I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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