im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
