never play flip cup with pint glasses
farters have to be the big spoon...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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