On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
