Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
