This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
