The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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