i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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