Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
