no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
