So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
