This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
