someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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