My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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