I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
