I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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