Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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