i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
