wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
