I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
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