I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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