I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
