like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
