Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
