well I can't set my house on fire every night
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
