Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize