one word: firstdatebathroomanal
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
