He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
