fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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