i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize