Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
