I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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