Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
