Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
