I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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