and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
