Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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