I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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