It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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