im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
