If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
