Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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