i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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