John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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