Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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