if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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