We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
