Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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