i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
